The Truth About Ending Bedtime Battles
Are you struggling to end bedtime battles?
So...you have a toddler who will NOT get it right. No matter what you do, he continues climbing out of bed, fighting the program. NOT SLEEPING. You're at your wits end. You've tried every angle, every suggestion but nothing works. What's the deal?
The truth is that there is no magic pill we can give our kids to help them figure it out and comply. There's no secret method you've yet to come across, and there isn't a strategy that will make this struggle an easy one to go through. In all honesty, the way to get to the other side is just like everything else in life - hard work and determination!
In my experience, I’ve found that anything can "work" if you stick with it and refuse to give up or move onto something else. CONSISTENCY is your secret weapon. OUTLASTING your child's demands and endless disobedience is what will make the difference. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it - even when it feels like it's not working. Keep repeating it over and over again until your child sees that you mean what you say regardless of what they try to do to change your mind. If they see you doing the exact same thing each time they test the waters, they’ll eventually realize there’s no sense in trying and being sleeping well.
Keep in mind that there isn’t a timeline guarantee. This is not always a 3-day-or-less process. This may not even be a 2-week process. For some kids, especially those who have seen the ups and downs of their parents' efforts, the road to healthy sleep is a long one. But just because it takes longer than you'd like doesn't mean it's not making an impact! Be ready for it to take long and stay the course. THAT is what will get you from point A to point B.
Here's an example:
Your child gets out of bed repeatedly within 10-minutes of putting him down for the night. You’ve read on my Facebook Nap Chat that a good way to solve this problem is to silently take him back to bed each time without providing any attention, negative or positive. You decide, "Ok, I'm doing this. I'm going to try this out and see what happens." (Already I see an issue here because your mentality is you're going to "try it out".)
Night 1. You sit outside his bedroom door ready for battle. He gets up, you place him back into bed. He gets up again, you place him back into bed. This goes on for an hour and a half. At this point you're mad. Mad enough to keep going. He ends up finally conking out after 2 hours. You celebrate with a glass of wine and go to bed feeling encouraged that what you set out to do is going to change things for the better.
Night 2. The night begins the same as the previous. You sit outside his door, equipped with the confidence that last night was a success! He gets up, you place him back into bed. He gets up, you place him back into bed. Suddenly, instead of getting back into bed, he begins clawing at you and holding on for dear life. He screams when you tear his arms off of you and gets louder as you walk out of the room. You sit down outside his door, shaking and feeling defeated already. This goes on for another 2 hours. Suddenly it dawns on you that he's being disrespectful. He's being disobedient and that is not to be tolerated. You decide his behavior warrants a spanking and spanking always makes him comply. The next time he gets up, you spank him swiftly, tell him to stay in his bed and then you leave. He finally gives up and falls asleep after a 3-hour battle. You clean up the kitchen from dinner and go to bed feeling like maybe you went too far, and maybe this isn't the answer.
Night 3. After a conversation with your best friend (who of course has perfect sleepers) your belief in this method is restored and you feel ready for another round. Armed with your phone to text her for encouragement, you sit outside his door, waiting for his next move. He gets up, you place him back into bed. He gets up, you place him back into bed. Over and over for an hour and a half. He begins screaming like last night, holding onto you and refusing to get into bed without drama. You text your friend after each attempt and she keeps telling you to “hang in there”, “stay strong”... Then, he says something that gets your attention, “Mommy, I’m scared.” You think back to the spanking from the night before. You think about how he’s alone, in the dark, crying, probably feeling rejected. You text your friend, “This isn’t working. He’s afraid and he needs me. I’m going in.” She responds, “You’re right. It’s been almost two hours already. I would go to him and try again when he gets out of this separation anxiety stage.” So you go into his room and climb in next to him. When he’s asleep, you leave quietly. You go to bed that night questioning where things went wrong, and unsure how to set things right.
Night 4. You’ve come to the conclusion that nothing will help this child sleep in his own bed. You can’t do it anymore and it’s easier to do what he demands than to go through this back and forth battle that seems never ending. You decide to lay with him from now on every time he needs you. He falls asleep after 30 minutes and wakes up 4 times in the night, each time taking 30 minutes to return to sleep while you lay next to him. This doesn’t feel right, but what is a parent to do?
There are a few red flags about this scenario that need to be addressed. We’ll go night by night:
Night 1. This was perfection. The child did exactly what’s expected, you followed through with your plan, didn’t become emotional or frazzled, and he fell asleep in his bed by himself.
Night 2. Things start to unravel a bit here. He’s doing it right...testing the waters, pushing your buttons, acting like a lunatic to see if he can ruffle your feathers. This is exactly what’s expected of a toddler who isn’t getting what he wants, but has seen his efforts pay off in the past. With the correct mindset and expectations, you could have seen through his antics and remained calm, consistent and patient. Your responses here should mirror the previous night regardless of how he takes to it. Whether he hangs on, screams, throws his stuffed bear at you, etc., your response and demeanor should not change. When you act frustrated, resort to yelling, threats or spanking, even though it’s negative attention it’s still attention, and he inherently feels like he’s gained some ground. Like if he pushes a bit more, you’ll break and go back to giving him what he desires.
Night 3. Now he’s using fear as a way to pull your heartstrings. It works! You decide this isn’t accomplishing the goal you set out to meet.
Night 4. All bets are off. Your negative thoughts and assumptions spiraled out of control, when in reality your child’s behavior should have been expected. The struggle is over but the problem still exists.
In this scenario, everything was going well until the parent started analyzing the situation before the spanking. In reality, handing out spankings every night isn’t feasible or sustainable, so it was a rash decision that both parties knew was done in haste. The mom felt out of control, and the child saw her become out of control. He was satisfied with this and went to sleep.
Instead of losing control and resorting to punishment of this sort, it’s vital to keep the big picture in mind. The child will become nutso, he will become physical and as each night goes on, he will fight harder to make you change your mind. The parent must remain calm, SILENT, and firm until he eventually gets the hang of it and stops believing he can.
This is a typical “silent return to bed” success story:
Night 1. You sit outside the door waiting for him to get up. He does, and you silently return him to his bed 57 times. He falls asleep after crying for 15 minutes after the 57th trip back. You wake up to find him in your bed and walk him back to his bed silently. He cries and gets up 6 more times before falling back to sleep in his bed.
Night 2. You sit outside the door waiting for him to get out of bed. He does, and you silently return him to his bed 123 times. 64 of those trips back to his bed resulted in him hanging onto you with a vice grip until you pried him off and left the room. You keep your cool and remember that this is all part of it, and he will succeed. He also wakes up 2 times in the night and climbs into your bed. You calmly and silently walk him back to his bed. He falls asleep quickly each time.
Night 3. You sit outside the door waiting for him to get out of bed. He calls for you once, you ignore him. He falls asleep within 15 minutes without getting out of bed. Success!
This is not an exaggeration! As you can see, this method works well if parents stay CONSISTENT and keep their emotions out of it. Another method would work just as well, but that doesn’t mean we should switch partway through to see if it will. The back and forth, questioning our decisions, etc. only give our kids the leverage they need to continue pushing against it.
Anytime a parent comes to me and says, “We tried everything to keep him in his bed!” I think to myself, “Well, that’s why he won’t stay in his bed! Stick with something!!!” Choose your plan, continue using it for at least one month. If your child does well, and then regresses, go back to that same plan and repeat until the “burst” subsides. A “burst” is when a recently sleep trained child gets a wild hair and starts testing his boundaries again.
It's time. Pick a plan, stop over-thinking it, toughen up and see it through. You can do it (and so can your child)!
If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask me!
Meet Laura!
Hi! I’m Laura. I believe there is a root issue attached to every unhealthy sleep symptom. My desire is to enter into the heart of each family to find the root cause, and permanently replace it with healthy sleep habits.
I have a passion for meeting parents right where they are! My goal is to come alongside each family without enforcing strict "cookie-cutter" sleep methods.
I am a Pediatric Child Sleep Expert, Certified Lactation Counselor, and a mom of 7 children (+ 2 bonus sons) who has helped families for well over a decade to finally get a restful night's sleep. I've worked extensively at creating a framework for helping families worldwide that is unlike any other. I connect with parents in an intimate, nurturing way that brings about true change, confidence and stability for their families.
What you can expect from working with me...
Together we’ll create a personalized plan that aligns with your comfort level, as well as your child’s age and personality.
After we agree on the plan, you’ll spend two weeks implementing it with my guidance and encouragement throughout the process.
By the end of our two weeks together your child will be falling asleep unassisted, taking long naps and sleeping through the night consistently.
It’s time to fix these sleep shenanigans for good without guesswork, discouragement and stress.
Are you ready
to get the SLEEP you deserve?
Laura, I cannot tell you how much this article has positively impacted our family! We are the (formerly) very tired parents of an incredible 4 year old daughter who slept like a dream until just after her 3rd birthday when she changed daycare. She suddenly needed a parent to help her fall asleep and things spiraled out of control from there. She was joined at age 2 by her little brother. He has never slept like a dream and has always been a frequent waker. When he began escaping from his crib just after his 2nd birthday, he transitioned to a toddler bed and then he too was demanding a parent to fall asleep and then to return to sleep throughout the night with frequent wakings. We operated on 3-6 hours of interrupted sleep for nearly three years. THREE YEARS. We were exhausted, our marriage was showing the wear of long-term sleep deprivation and two kids under two! I began researching sleep therapists in the area because it was getting so severe and we were struggling, really struggling.
This article spoke to me in such an authentic, acknowledging yet hopeful way. It lays out the reality of what to expect when embarking on this journey and gave realistic timelines (157 times … 🙂 ) so that if it didn’t take that long we were pleasantly surprised and if it did, we weren’t disappointed!
Night one we were treated to 30ish attempts at escape but that kid was asleep after 15 minutes. 15 minutes!!! I told my hubby not to get his hopes up, I was sure night two would be worse. We were both prepared for epic battle royale. He only got up ONE time and then got back in his bed. WHAT?!?!?! Is this for real? We dreaded this for so long as we envisioned hours and hours of screaming and crying.
Our 4 year old was even easier. We compromised and she’s allowed to keep her door open a crack. For the first week, she asked that I sit in the hallway and since we were there playing interference for her escaping brother, it worked out. Since the second week, we no longer sit in the hallway but the door remains cracked.
We’re heading into week three of two kids who now go to sleep on their own, with no parent in the room and the two year old now sleeps all the way through the night!!! (He wakes up at 5 am but we’ll take that over the alternative!) I know you must know the impact that has on our entire lives! Happiness factor has gone up around here and my hubby and I now have time to … gasp … spend with each other after kids go to bed!
We are so grateful to have stumbled across this article in our research. Thank you for writing such an easily relatable article with real world tips that work. This has truly made a phenomenal impact in our lives!!!
Hi Jennifer and Aaron! I’m so happy to hear this! Yay!! Thank you for posting this and for sharing your story. Your children are so blessed to have parents who go above and beyond to make sure they’re getting healthy, restorative sleep. I’m proud of you and so happy to help 🙂
Hi,
My 3 year old daughter has always been an excellent sleeper and this week she has turned. We moved her into a big girl bed last month and she had no problems at first. One night last week, the cat was closed in her room with her and it spooked her. This has never happened before because the cat is not allowed in her room. Since then, she refuses to go to sleep unless one of us waits for her to fall asleep and then she is out of bed and in our room trying to get into our bed. We have closed the cat into another bedroom so that part is taken care of. We first started laying in the bed with her, but that isn’t what we want to do with her and we don’t want her to sleep in our bed. So, We tried the silent return to sleep for the last two nights. The first night she woke up in the middle of the night and we were up the entire night putting her back in her bed or walking her back to her bed. We tried again last night and we did it for four hours again with over 200 trips. Finally, I put her in her bed and sat in her room until she fell asleep. She was up every hour.
I need some advice. Is it wrong that my husband and I do it together? It is physically hard to keep picking her up so we take turns. Should we change that? And, at what point do you give up on a night? Should it go longer than 4 hours if needed?
Hi Jen! I realize it’s been a long time since you posted this, but I want to respond in case there’s another parent out there with a similar question. Since she’s afraid, I would opt for being with her as she falls asleep until she gains confidence to sleep on her own. This isn’t a true behavioral issue, so silent return might not be what is needed to fix the root problem. I would sit in the room without giving her any attention after you put her to bed. Don’t speak at all or make eye contact when she’s fussing or trying to get you to respond to her, just sit until she falls asleep. Regardless of what she does, just “be” there. If she gets out of bed, put her back in each time without saying anything and sit back down. When she’s asleep, leave. If she wakes in the night go back in and sit in the same place after a very brief kiss and reminder that it’s time for sleep. Just sit and repeat what you did at bedtime. Do this for each wake-up that first night of the new routine. The next night, do the same thing but sit a but closer to the door. The next, move a bit further. The following night, tell her you’ll sit outside her door and every so often remind her you’re there by saying, “I’m right here sweetie!” Leave after she’s asleep, and return to that same spot and say, “I’m right here sweetie!” again for each wake-up. After 2 nights of this, leave the room after you put her in bed and tell her you’ll be right back to check on her. Check back every 5 min by peaking in, smiling, and leaving. If she wakes in the night go to her, kiss her and remind her it’s time to sleep, pat/rub her back just for a few seconds, and leave before she falls back to sleep. I also think SleepBuddy would be super helpful for her to feel at ease during sleep periods! Check it out on AMAZON or at http://www.sleepbuddy.com I hope this is helpful!
Laura, thank you for the encouragement. We’ve been sticking to this method for nearly a week now and some nights are slightly better, but our three year old is pretty stubborn. That said, we also feel like he’s come to the realization that getting out of bed is what actually gets us back into his room. He even raised his arms for me to pick him up once I got to his room.
Do we continue? We totally agree that consistency is key, but do you ever see kids who’ve turned it around into a game?
Thanks so much!
Grace
Hi Grace! YES!!!! This can quickly be turned into a game. When it does, it’s time to up the anty. For example, use his door as an incentive along with a three strikes you’re out method. If he gets out once, close the door a bit, twice, a bit more and on the third attempt put up a baby gate or use a childproof door handle on his door so that he can’t come out. If he does this routine 3 times every night, knock it down to one chance only. This is a little bit more hardcore, but if he’s playing you it’s time to show him who’s really in charge!
Hi there – I know this is an old post but I would love to know if I’m this ‘up the anty’ situation – once you’ve had to put up the gate, so you come to him when he gets out of bed or do you stay out is sight and leave him to cry? We have been trying silent returns for three nights but my son seems to think it’s a game – constantly getting out of bed and laughing each time. He has amazing stamina 🙂 would love to know how we respond once we get to the gate scenario. Thank you!
Hi Simone! If you get to the gate scenario it’s best to ignore as much as possible. Say something like, “I’ll be back to check on you in 5 minutes.” Then ignore and return in 5 minutes for a VERY quick check! Literally, peak in and say, “just checking on you! I’ll be back in 5 min.” And then leave. Don’t linger even if he’s upset! The more you repeat this and act calm and confident about the whole thing, the faster he’ll stop pushing the limits!
Hello Lauren,
I’m so glad I came across this article as my wife and I are suffering…more me than her because she is 30wks pregnant and my 1yr old is killing us with her sleep antics. I want my wife to get as much sleep as possible so I go in for all the crying. My daughter says every action word she knows while screaming my name to the top of her lungs. We have literally let her do this for 2hrs and this girl fell asleep standing, head bobbing and all. She REFUSED to lay herself down. I was all in favor of the cry it out method but my wife couldn’t completely handle it. We are now 6wks into doing all kinds of stuff and I’m exhausted. I can’t even concentrate properly on my business!
At nap time I put her in a cultural sling on my back so she can fall asleep. About 5-10mins into her sleep I put her in her crib. She tends to sleep fine for about an hour, hour and a half. Nighttime is another beast. I sometimes put her on my back. We do bathtime, story, and if we’re lucky, she falls asleep during story. Other times she wants to run around and play (I give in for like 10mins), then it’s having to put her in her crib, let her scream for 5-7mins then take her out and rock her to sleep. I put her in her crib peetty much immediately after that. Within 2hrs the party begins! At first she was waking every night at 2:31am on the dot. Now it’s anywhere between 12:30 and 2. She wakes up crying…sometimes almost full scream, sometimes there’s a ramp up. I go in, no words, lay her back down on her side and rub her back. Once she settles, like 3mins, I move away and sit in her chair. She starts crying again buy I FIRMLY, silently point at her pillow for her to stay down and now she does. Before, she would be losing her mind! So there’s been some progress. I end up sleeping in the chair for like an hour. As soon as I cross the threshold to leave her room, she lights back up! Then we give a bottle (this is my wife with trying things). I’m not for it but she drinks 3/4 of it. Finally falls back asleep in my arms, put hee in the crib, screaming again. I lay her back down, back to the chair I go. This lasts almost 3hrs every night. Wjat do we do!?!? PLEASE!
Hi Mo! I’m so sorry. Somehow I missed your message and I’m just now reading it. Are you still having issues?
Hi Lauren! I am having the same issue as Mo except for the going in and sleeping in a chair or giving her a bottle. We eat ,bath read a book and then in bed. She will scream at the top of her lungs and call out for me. My wife is for extinction method and wants me to just leave her. I want to go in and try and calm her down but when I do she just screams even more once I leave. I just dont want to completely ignore her and I dont want her to feel abandoned but I also know that going in isn’t helping. On top of all that, once she does fall asleep she is up 3 or 4 times during the night and will just scream and cry out. During those times we dont normally go in and she will fall back asleep after 10 or 15 minutes. This sleeping issue can not be healthy for her and is causing a major divide between me and my wife. I dont know what to do. Any advice you could give would be great. Thank you!
I would love to try this. However my husband works at nights and I have a 2 month old. How do I manage the two when the crying from my toddler wakes the baby? And the crying from the baby won’t allow the toddler 3 year old, to go to sleep. We tend to all fizzle our in frustration every night.
Hi Joy! Yes, managing more than one child in the evening when we’re exhausted ourselves is one of the hardest parts of parenting in the early years. I had three babies under 2.5 at one point, and a husband who worked out of town Mon-Fri every week! It was one of the hardest times of my life for sure. I learned quickly that I couldn’t do everything for all of them all of the time – meaning, they had to learn to be patient and figure some things out for themselves out of pure necessity and practicality. Now that they’re older, I realize that struggle is part of what made them learn a lot of important life skills like sharing, patience, independence, resourcefulness, etc. With that said, it’s possible to manage bedtime with two little ones who both need you! We would work together to create a framework that fits your family so that you know exactly how to manage that last hour of the day. Instead of it feeling like the worst time of day, it will end up being something you all look forward to and know what to expect. I’m here to help! Reach out anytime laura@healthyhappysleep.com
Any recommendations for toddlers sharing a room? The younger one (2yrs) is always trying to keep the older one (3yrs) awake. Our 2yr old is always getting up and starts pulling out all her toys and books and keeps both of them awake. We eventually go in and spank her and then she lays down but it feels wrong to associate sleep with getting spanking and being in trouble.. It’s mostly nap time drama but this will happen occasionally at night too. Help!
Hi Elizabeth! We’ve always had to put at least two kids together in our household, so I feel your pain!! It can be super frustrating. I would I put your 2yo to bed first and then sneak in with your 3-year-old when she’s been asleep for 20-30 min. For naps, separate them! I always let the oldest room sharer nap in my bed. I hope this helps!!
I literally have no idea what to do. My son is almost 6 and screams and cries like a baby whenever I leave his room. He is getting popped on the bottom EVERY NIGHT. I am so discouraged. I hate spanking but he infuriates me. I just want him to SHUSH and he screams horribly. i even try to be patient and calm but he still acts out. He’s a completely different child at night and I’m sick of this “nightly show”. It’s been a month of this crap. Now our rules are bedtime is 8:45 strict (time w/dad 8-8:20, then time w/ mom in bed, books, etc). He can’t leave the room (which 80% of the time he obeys). No screaming loud/crying (he does this every night). And no sleepovers with grandparents til he’s over this. Help.
Hi Anna! I wish I would have seen this when you posted it, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle. I’m assuming and hopeful that you got things worked out but I would have loved to have helped you through it! For him, a very clear set of boundaries and a structure that puts the “monkey on his back” would have been the best avenue to remedy the issues you described. He should be the one upset if he’s not complying, not you! Spanking wasn’t the thing that motivated him to comply, so we would have had to work together to come up with the best formula for success. This is a tough age, but with consistency and a solid plan anything is possible!!
What do you recommend for older children? My ten-year-old isn’t going to bed at night. He never had a problem and fights with us. He repeats over and over that he cannot sleep. We have tried everything.
Hi Ronda! What time is he going to bed? For starters, make sure screentime isn’t part of his evening routine and encourage him to read or look at pictures in a book/magazine leading up to when he’d falls asleep. Make sure he has a solid routine that he follows every night and lower the lights in the home starting an hour before sleep. At his age, he should be going to bed around 8pm and waking around 7am.
I have this issue with my toddlers sleeping in their beds. I have a 3 and 5 yo and they sleep in the same room in bunk beds and one sleeps better than the other. However, how do k go about this when one stays in bed and the other does not? I don’t want him waking the other one up and vice versa. I’ve been sleeping in the bigger bottom bunk with my oldest for awhile now because I’m at my end of how do I do this without both of them losing their minds. Thank you!!
Hi Alisha! I can relate to what you’re dealing with! My kids have always shared rooms, and it gets tricky when one complies and the other doesn’t! The goal is to set very clear boundaries that both kids understand and are motivated to respect. I’ve found that we can use room sharing to our benefit by including a little flair of competition and/or teamwork mixed in, too! Staggering bedtimes can work well also, depending on whether or not your 3-year-old is still napping during the day. I can teach you how to make this work for your family and you’ll see changes in just a few days. Reach out if you need me! laura@healthyhappysleep.com