How You Can Make Room Sharing Work for Your Family
When most parents (myself included) consider putting two or more children in the same bedroom, our minds immediately jump to thoughts of siblings swapping stories, their late night talks and whispery giggles. If you’re reading this now and you have little ones sharing the same sleeping space, you know how far from this idealistic perspective it really is!
When our 5th child was born, we lived in a tiny 3 bedroom house…do the math! That’s 2 kids in one room and 3 in another. Our children are very close in age, so I have guided this family through the joys of room sharing more than once, and I hope it’s comforting to hear that they are all wonderful sleepers. Even after we recently moved into a larger home and have more bedrooms, sharing rooms is still our way of life.
Some of our room sharers – Then and Now!
Meg & Emmy started sharing a room when Meg was under 18 months!
Many times putting children in the same room is purely out of necessity – a move to a smaller home, a new baby joining the family or the need for a playroom, guest room or office. Whatever the reason may be, not many of us would choose to brave the room sharing journey unless we’re forced to! If your family is in the thick of it, below are some pointers that may eventually give you a tiny glimpse of the joys to come as they grow up together.
- First of all: Accept the challenge, and know that it will be difficult in the beginning. Expect a 3-6 week transitional period – get through that and you’re golden! Recognizing and embracing this fact will make it much easier for you to remain patient and in control of your emotions.
- If possible, keep the baby in your room until the night feedings and diaper changes have become more predictable and not as frequent. This not only leaves you feeling less anxious, but also gives the toddler time to adjust to his/her new sibling beforehand. Sometime after the 3/4 month mark is ideal.
- At about 8 weeks of age, begin putting the newborn in the shared bedroom for naps (except for during the toddler’s naptime). This eases the transition, gets your toddler used to sharing her room and helps the infant adjust to his new sleeping place – sights, smells, etc. that differ from sleeping close to Mom.
- Even very young toddlers understand more than we usually give them credit for. It’s important to be very open and honest about what it’s like to share a room with a baby. Don’t sugar coat it – say things like, “Babies cry at night sometimes, but Mommy will hear him and I will come check on you both.” Be upfront about the good and the bad so that your toddler is ready to take what comes. Offering an incentive for respecting their sibling, being patient, etc. also works well for many toddlers and preschoolers.
- Use your kids’ sleep cycles to your advantage by staggering their bedtimes. Depending on their developmental stages as well as the quality of naps for each child, the bedtime hour may change from day to day. Whichever child needs to go to bed earlier should be put down at least 1 hour in advance of the other child. The goal is to sneak the 2nd child in when the 1st one is in a deep stage of sleep so that he doesn’t wake up easily. Sleep cycles in young children are only about 50 minutes in length. This means that if you factor in the time it takes for them to actually fall asleep, you’ll be putting the 2nd child down while the 1st one is 30 min into the deep, Non-REM stage of sleep. This is great news because in Non-REM sleep he will not wake up easily in response to outside noises or stimulation.
- Utilize a visual sleep/wake-up cue such as the SleepBuddy Complete Sleep System to let your toddler know when it’s time to remain quiet and when she can sneak out of the room in the morning. This gentle tabletop light brings comfort and a sense of security for young children as they learn the expectations and boundaries that come with sharing a room. It also lets off the perfect glow for middle-of-the-night diaper changes so there’s no additional disruption. 🙂
SleepBuddy: Programmable Sleep Light, also includes a children’s book and reward chart w/ stickers
- Role play with your toddler or preschooler to show her how to respect her sibling when he is sleeping. Practice tip-toeing to the potty, turning the door handle all the way before pulling/pushing it closed, how to look at a book with a flashlight without shining it in baby’s direction, etc. These teaching moments go a long way when things go bump in the night and she has to accomplish a task without waking her sibling.
- Use a noisemaker/sound machine/white noise. No, your child will not become addicted to it, and yes, it will save you from countless sleepless nights from one child waking another when the sheets makes a “ssshhhing” sound. Put it closest to the lighter sleeper and it will drown out disruptive sounds, guaranteed!
- Two toddlers or preschoolers sharing a room can be challenging, but at this age rewards go a long way. Especially if you make them earn them as a team. This is not bribery – make sure they know that they are earning privileges for doing what’s expected of them. As adults, we do many things primarily because a beneficial outcome is on the other side. Why should this be different for children? We can’t expect them to do the right thing because they should be intrinsically motivated – that’s just not reality and it’s not fair. A motivating tool is sometimes just the nudge they need to learn that room sharing is fun when the rules are obeyed. Surprisingly, children outgrow these rewards quickly and appropriate behavior becomes a habit and a way of life.
- For older children, bunk beds are ideal in a room sharing situation. They free up space in the room for an extra dresser or toy box, as well as make it difficult to cause problems when they can’t see each other.
- Designate “special” places for the older child’s belongings. This shows her that you respect her space and you will help her teach the younger sibling to do the same. Many kids get pretty territorial when they’re not used to sharing their room and/or their toys. Knowing that their prized possessions won’t get lost in the shuffle can make all the difference and ease them into the acceptance stage quite rapidly.
- With our children, there have been times when we move a child out of the room for sleep training purposes. This is a MUST if you are dealing with an infant who is in the habit of waking up for feedings when they don’t really need to eat, or a toddler who gets out of bed consistently. Move the child who is sleeping well into another room for 1/2 weeks to get the “problem child” sleeping well again. Don’t put this off, because it will only get worse and one child’s sleep issues will eventually cause sleep deprivation in the other child. You may have to do this more than once, but it’s worth it to get everyone back on track!
- Many experts claim that children eventually get used to their sibling’s cries over time. I agree with this to a point, but I don’t believe leaving your baby screaming throughout the night hoping the other child will “get used to it” is the answer. Even if they don’t complain, the constant interruptions will have a detrimental effect. Small noises, grunting, even an occasional cry during a sibling’s deep sleep cycle are ok and will allow them to learn how to cope with sharing a room, but be prepared to remove the screamer if things get out of hand. Take him out of the room until he is calm, then put him back down. Repeat if necessary until he falls asleep. If this becomes a habit, it’s time to separate them for a week or so until you get him sleeping well on his own.
- If you have a baby in the room sharing mix and he wakes up for a feeding, try to stay in the room so that you don’t disturb his ability to fall back to sleep. Use a soft nightlight (SleepBuddy is described above) if needed. If he’s a loud/fussy eater, or it’s in the early morning when the sibling is in a lighter stage of sleep, take him to a different room, but keep the lights low and try to return him to his crib quietly. With very young ones this may be problematic because you’re not sure if they’ll fall back to sleep, it’s ok to finish off the night by placing him in a bassinet/pack&play in your bedroom for the short term. Eventually the older child will get used to seeing you feed the baby, then fall right back to sleep, and she will soon be able to cope with the noises and short disruptions.
- For naps, I always recommend separating the children. In our house, the older kid in the room is the one who moves to Mommy’s room at naptime. My kids always felt very special to do this, and after awhile it just became part of the routine. If you try to keep them together, there are bound to be issues! This is due to the fact that it’s more difficult to fall asleep in the daytime, and the sleep state is much lighter, so they wake up easily to the slightest sound. If it’s possible, allow them to nap alone to protect their ability to catch a restorative nap on a daily basis.
Even though it seems impossible at times, your children will get used to sharing their sleeping space and I personally believe it’s so good for our kids to learn how to do this! We’re helping them in so many ways by teaching them how to cope with not being the king of the castle, so to speak. Through this experience they will grow in their ability to see things from another person’s point of view, to respect someone else’s time and space, and to have the companionship of a sibling.
Comment below to ask questions or let me know how you’re managing the room sharing years! I hope this is helpful!
This is incredibly helpful – thank you for posting!
It may be too late to ask this question considering the date of the blog but I am hopeful for your perspective. We are one week into having our 7 month old daughter and 3 1/2 year old daughter share a bedroom (by necessity). Both sleep through the night well and go to bed at approx 6-6:30 pm. We worked out our going to bed issues within a couple of nights but what has reared it’s ugly head is early morning rising with our 7 month old. She is waking at 5 am and either talking to herself or crying. This instantly wakes our 3 year old who is a light sleeper. The result is that I now have 2 very tired, unhappy little girls. Our 7 month old is having short naps as a result and our 3 year old is having a very difficult day due to overtiredness. If they weren’t room sharing I would be comfortable leaving the 7 month old to cry/fall back asleep until 6:30 am. But b/c they are room sharing it’s not fair to leave the 3 year old in there while we do this. So is it best for me to move the 3 year old onto the floor of our bedroom until the 7 month old is sleeping past 6 am again? Do I take the 7 month old out of the room and bring her into our room at 5 am? We are at a loss 🙂
Hi Kim! At 7 months, it’s very common for babies to need a feeding at this early hour so that they can continue sleeping. Until 9 months of age, this is completely developmentally appropriate and often times needed! Especially since she’s going to bed almost 11 hours prior. When mine were this age sharing a room, I’d rush in and feed the screamer so that we all could continue sleeping. This is a true continuation of night sleep for her, so try to get to her quick! If you think this isn’t the cause of her wake-up, I would move your older child out for a few nights and allow the baby to be alone until 6:30am. After 3-4 mornings of this she’ll stop waking so early! One more thought…if her naps are not going well, it would help to put her to bed earlier until she catches up on sleep. The early wake-ups could be due to a too-late bedtime when she’s struggling during the day! I hope this is helpful!
Thank you so much for responding to my questions! We did move our eldest one out for a few days to see if we could get our youngest to settle until 6:30am and while she is no longer crying she is not returning to sleep. So I am going to do just as you’ve suggested and rush in to see if feeding her will allow her to get some more sleep. As it stands right now she is so tired in the morning she is barely able to stay awake until her first nap at 8:30 so that’s seems something that could really suit her needs. This blog is so full of helpful information, it’s really helped to prepare us for this transition, thank you so very much for sharing such helpful tips!
Kim you’re so welcome!
You have such great advice – I’m hoping you can help my family! My son (almost 4 1/2) and daughter (27 months) just started sharing a room 5 days ago. Prior to moving them together, she was having some night waking/early waking issues but we decided to go ahead and move them together anyway (my husband is a teacher and home for summer vacation and I am due with our third child in 6 weeks – we need her room for the baby as we only have three bedrooms). Bedtime hasn’t been too much of an issue, but my daughter is waking in the middle of the night screaming, which then wakes up my son. We have tried going in and telling them both its nighttime and time to be quiet and sleep but my daughter soon starts screaming again after we leave. We eventually remove her to our bed so that her brother can get back to sleep (she typically falls back to sleep with us, too). However, we are all so exhausted. I’m starting to feel hopeless that we will figure this out prior to the new baby’s arrival. My latest thought is that we should still put them to bed in the same room, but if she wakes up, we should move our son to either our bed or a mattress on our floor to sleep the rest of the night while we sleep train her in the shared bedroom. What are your thoughts on this? I am not a big fan of having either child sleeping in bed with us but feel especially like if we let her, we are only reinforcing her screaming because she then gets cuddle time with us as a result. Help, please!!
Hi Courtney! I realize this is WAY late, and I’m so sorry. I missed a few posts from August somehow. 🙁 To answer your question, I would move your son out of the room into the extra room that will be for the baby while you sleep train your daughter. Bringing either child into bed with you will encourage the behavior you’re trying to avoid! When she screams, go to her and remind her that it’s time to sleep, and then don’t go back in until she has fallen asleep. Another idea is to keep them together and put a pack and play in the extra room. When she screams, go to her immediately, place her in the pack and play and let her sleep there until the morning. The goal is to show her that her night wakings will not get her positive attention! When she realizes this she will stop waking in between sleep cycles. I hope this is helpful even though it’s not at all timely!
I’m about to move my 4yo and 2yo into the same room. They are starting to get along a little better lately, although for the first couple years they were like cats & dogs (mostly the older sister didn’t appreciate having a younger brother…at all). Now we’re expecting another baby. The older sister is not going to appreciate having to share a room (she’s very much an introvert and goes there to retreat when she’s feeling overwhelmed), although I gave her the choice of sharing with either her brother or the new baby and explained the pros and cons of each arrangement. I like the idea of them having to earn rewards as a team – but I struggle with saying ‘if both of you can be quiet until you fall asleep, you get to watch your morning TV show’ and then having one of them (likely the little brother) wreck it for the other. What are some examples of earning privileges? I’m feeling pretty empty on good ideas right now.
Hi Amy! Congrats on your pregnancy! I vividly remember when my 3rd was born and we had to figure out how to fit everyone into our 3 bedroom house at the time. I agree that it can be a challenge, but be encouraged to know that it truly does bring with it a type of sibling bond that nothing can compare to! Even though we’re in a bigger house now my kids share rooms just because they love it and can’t imagine not having each other close by. It’s precious 🙂
How long are you planning to have the baby in your room? If longer than 5/6 months, it would be easier to set the crib up in your daughter’s room. If earlier, I would do what you’re suggesting and put the older kids together. I know it’s tempting to give the older child a choice, but in my opinion this is a decision that will impact the entire family and it should be up to you and your husband!
If you decide to put your 4 and 2 year olds together, I would make the reward dependent on what you already know about them. If teamwork isn’t going to motivate them and may very well cause more issues, then don’t do it that way! Instead, give the reward to the one who followed the sleep rules only. Another idea would be to have a chart for each child where they are working toward something really fun, like going to get ice cream, or a trip to the dollar store. Put a picture at the end of the chart and they earn stickers for each great night/nap. There could be small rewards along the way on the chart – for a piece of candy or pick out of a treasure chest – where only the child who reaches that one will get it, but they both have to land on the BIGGIE reward at the end to get to do it. Does this make sense? You could also use a clear jar for each of them and put the jars on the dresser. Place something in the jar like 3 pieces of candy, 3 pieces of paper with the rewards on them, etc. When either of them are being rotten, go into the room and remove one of the items in the jar without acting frustrated. Then leave. In the morning they get to open their jar and have what’s inside. What do you think about these ideas? I hope they help!!!
I have 2 year old and 13 month old (15 months apart) and we just found out we are expecting #3 in June. We want # 1 & # 2 to share a room but they are both in cribs. How do we go about the transition to a toddler bed and sharing a room? What are your thoughts on transitioning both kids to a shared double bed before #3 arrives?
Hi Leah! I would start by putting them in the same room while they’re both still in cribs. When they’re acclimated to being together, I would set up a twin bed and wait for your older child to start showing interest in it. Make it seem like a privilege to be able to sleep there – don’t harp on it or talk about it often, but casually mention it every now and then. When you feel he/she is ready, go through the normal bedtime routine and let him/her sleep in the bed. Tell him/her that if he/she gets out, he/she will go right back into the crib, etc. until it sticks and then remove the crib. I would keep one in the crib and one in the bed until the middle child is 2.5! Sharing a double bed sounds like a nightmare to me, but perhaps if I knew your kids I might think differently, but at their ages I’m picturing some major shenanigans while you’re busy tending to the new baby! 🙂
Hello! We had a surprise little one enter our family. He’s now almost 3 months (3 on Thanksgiving) I am working on discontinuing the swaddle and sled soothing… he’s napping 30/40 min(frustrating) . Wakes between 7/8 and goes to bed before 8. So prolly 4-5 naps a day. We have his crib in our room since we weren’t expecting him my other kids Jimmy 9, and girls 7 and 4 have their own rooms. I will be putting the girls together but wondering if that can wait or if baby boy needs to be moved in his own room sooner.