When Nursing Becomes a Dependency
It's common knowledge that many babies and toddlers have a strong association between nursing and sleep. Yes, breastfeeding is important for an abundance of reasons, but what happens when it interferes with the ability to sleep well? I'm not talking about very young babies who are too immature to form unhealthy ties between nursing and sleep, I'm referring to older babies who are capable of sleeping well but can't because nursing is the only way they know. When a mother is ready to wean, or when a nursing association needs to be addressed, what is the best way to do get from "point A" to "point B" without undermining the benefits and bonding that nursing brings?
Some babies expect (or demand) nursing just before sleep, while others throw a fit if they aren't fed immediately after each sleep period. Purely for the sake of survival, we feed them in the hopes that they'll soon grow out of it and the dependency will fade with time. This is not likely! In most cases the feeding/sleeping association only grows stronger with age, and the temper tantrums become almost unbelievably out of control.
Babies with deeply rooted nursing/sleep associations have become so physiologically dependent that they don't know any other way to settle into sleep and/or to continue their day without it. This scenario becomes problematic when it's time to begin the weaning process, or when a baby is unable to soothe themselves to sleep without nursing. How can we help our babies through this in a gentle way, and how can we prevent it from happening in the first place?
If your little guy is dependent on nursing to sleep and you see it as a red flag, realize that it takes some time to show him that there is another way. It takes repetition, consistency and most of all we need to find a replacement, or distraction that helps him focus on something other than eating in that moment. Sort of "change the channel".
If a baby nurses to sleep or is having restless baby sleep, consider nursing in a room other than his bedroom before the bedtime routine even starts. Even before the bath! Replace the last minute nursing with a book or a song so that what you do in the moments before you place him into the crib isn't tied to nursing in any way, shape or form. When he's in the crib, offer a back rub, a transitional object such as a "lovie", a soothing song or "shh-shhing", some time alone, extra cuddles, just sit in a chair beside him, etc. as he learns what his body needs to do in order to self-soothe. If he cries, it's because he's frustrated that he doesn't know HOW to soothe himself to sleep - but in time he will figure it out! Give him time and space to be on his own, to learn what his body needs. Check on him and remind him that you're there, soothe him until he's calm if you want to and then give him more time to practice. He will learn if you are patient, encouraging and stick with it!
If you're planning to do this, remember me telling you this: Returning to nurse him to sleep will only convey that he truly needs to nurse in order to fall asleep - it strengthens the relationship between sleep and being nursed - which then makes it much more difficult the next time you attempt to break that association. Yes, just like any dependency, falling off the wagon makes it even more difficult to climb back on.
Now, to answer the next question: How can we prevent these dependencies from happening? The easy answer is to only nurse your baby to sleep in the first 12 weeks. This is because before 12 weeks, babies aren't able to form associations. After that point, start nursing after sleep periods or in between when he won't fall asleep as easily, and then lay him down awake every time. If he cries, pick him up immediately, or after 5-10 min of fussing, and calm him down, then try again. Repeat until he falls asleep on his own. This requires a lot of hands-on attention and consistency, lots of picking up and putting down, but all of a sudden he'll get it and with time and practice he'll learn to self-soothe!
If a baby is accustomed to nursing immediately after waking, don't underestimate the affect this has on his sleep! Babies who think nursing comes upon waking typically wake sooner and are more restless in the early morning hours between 4-6am. The expectancy trumps the tendency to complete the sleep cycle. Also, babies who want to nurse right away are grumpy after each sleep period and seem discontent long after their day has started or their nap has ended.
Our youngest son, Samuel (almost 1 yr. old), is going through this right now! I'll use him as an example of how to deal with the "nursing after sleep dependency".
The above paragraph describes him perfectly - he wakes in the morning too early, around 5am, expecting to nurse, and every nap ends in fussiness and whining until I nurse him. Last week I began ignoring him in the early morning (I started by checking on him and then leaving, which only made things worse) until a reasonable wake up time. At first he woke every 30 min and cried, then returned to sleep each time. Update: After 3 mornings of ignoring early wake-ups he may cry out briefly one time between 5-6am, but consistently sleeps until 7/7:30am now.
When it had been 12 hours since bedtime the night before, I went to him with a cheery disposition (even though he was fussing), picked him up and tried to change his diaper. Of course he screamed at this point because all he wanted to do was nurse, so I didn't attempt it just yet. Instead I sat down with him and read a few books. He got really into it and started laughing - completely distracted from his desire to nurse. This was an important step - finding something that interests him, something that is fun enough to him that it replaces his need to nurse in that moment. After that, I let him hold the last book while I changed his diaper, played some funny games while he was on the changing table, and then settled in to nurse. All in all, about 15 minutes passed between when I walked into his room to the time he started nursing. Over the course of a week, I stretched it out further and by next week I'll choose one of the feedings to drop completely and replace it with a snack or breakfast. At this point, after reading the books and changing his diaper, we will walk straight out to the kitchen holding the book and move on with the day. As you can see, slowly moving away from it using a replacement activity/object, coupled with consistency, make all the difference and lead to less tears overall. If books don't spark your baby's interest , figure out something that does...peekaboo games, a short nature walk outside, watching you make coffee, music and dancing, or move straight into breakfast, etc. Sometimes the only way to distract Samuel is to let him turn the light off/on with the switch. LOL!!! Whatever it is, be patient, have a positive disposition and fake a smile if you have to!
If you suspect that your baby may have an unhealthy relationship with nursing, don't wait too long to put these strategies into action! Nursing is a special act of bonding and closeness that is important and precious to the mother/baby relationship. In no way am I saying that this should be minimized! Nursing is a gift, a miracle, something that brings comfort and confidence to mother and baby. But it can also get in the way of some important aspects of growing up. Follow your instincts and watch for some of the behaviors outlined here. I'm here to help if you're not sure what steps to take first!
Got more questions? Reach out to me today!
Meet Laura!
Hi! I’m Laura. I believe there is a root issue attached to every unhealthy sleep symptom. My desire is to enter into the heart of each family to find the root cause, and permanently replace it with healthy sleep habits.
I have a passion for meeting parents right where they are! My goal is to come alongside each family without enforcing strict "cookie-cutter" sleep methods.
I am a Pediatric Child Sleep Expert, Certified Lactation Counselor, and a mom of 7 children (+ 2 bonus sons) who has helped families for well over a decade to finally get a restful night's sleep. I've worked extensively at creating a framework for helping families worldwide that is unlike any other. I connect with parents in an intimate, nurturing way that brings about true change, confidence and stability for their families.
I am going through the same thing with my 10 month old. She feeds to sleep and still wakes up every 2 hours at night to nurse. I want to completely cut her off and switch to formula. Any suggestions?
I’m going through the same problem with 8 month old boy.He feeds to sleep and still wakes up to nurse every 2 hour or even more often. I don’t know what to do.If I don’t give him breast he’ll be screaming the whole time.Any suggestions 🤔
Every two hours! I feel for you Anais! At 10 months she can make it 12 hours easily without needing to eat. I would switch her to formula during the day first and continue nursing in the morning and night, and through the night for the time being. When she’s transitioned completely during the day, then tackle the nighttime. If she doesn’t know how to self-soothe, that’s the first hurdle and I can help you teach her! If she does know how to self-soothe, and you want to stop the night feeds gradually, I would offer the breast through the night, but decrease the amount of time you’re nursing every night by 2 minutes.When it gets down to 2 minutes, make sure she stays awake and is still awake after the feedings. Put her down awake immediately when two minutes are reached and let her put herself back to sleep. The next night do 1 ounce, repeat. The next night go in and check on her briefly when/if she wakes, and allow her to self-soothe until she’s back asleep. If you want to do it fast, I would stop offering night feeds all together once you’ve weaned her during the day (you might have to pump!). Check on her once when she wakes, and then expect her to use her self-soothing skills to return to sleep. I hope this helps!
How would this work with Co sleeping? My baby is 21months old and sooooo breast dependent, I’m exhausted and we want another baby but feeding him is preventing this. Any help would be amazing
Hi Minnie and Natalie! Great question! If you want to continue co-sleeping it IS possible to wean him from night nursing. At his age he can definitely make it a solid 12 hours without needing nourishment! The tricky part is that he’s reached a stage where feeding him at some points in the night and not at others will frustrate and confuse him. The intermittent reinforcement of that will actually lead to more night wakings. If you decide to cut out night feeds, my advice is to cut all of them out at once. To do this, when he wakes and wants to nurse, kneel on the floor next to the bed with your elbows on the mattress. Use your hands to comfort him if that helps, or just kneel there and wait patiently for him to get the point and return to sleep. You need to physically block your breasts with the side of the bed and be firm about conveying they are off limits! When he returns to sleep or stops asking to nurse get back into the bed with him. By doing this you’re reinforcing the desired behavior. If he wants you to be with him in the bed, he needs to sleep. At his age, a sleep cue light such as SleepBuddy would be great to signal when he can wake to nurse. For example, when the light is on through the night, there’s no nursing, but when it turns off in the morning it’s available for him. I hope this makes sense! If you’d like further clarification email me at laura@healthyhappysleep.com I help parents with this transition frequently!
I’m in the same position, with my living arrangements I share a room with my 5yo and 10mo. My 10mo is starting to use nursing as a way to settle through the night and i find we are not necessarily feeding but just sitting with my nipple in her mouth almost all night. I’m trying to swap for a dummy but she just screams and almost makes herself sick.
Hi Natalie! Sharing a room with more than one child at a time can definitely be challenging. Does your infant know how to put herself to sleep? How does she fall asleep at bedtime? It would be worth it to interrupt the rest of the family’s sleep to get her back on track. It will be a few hard nights for everyone, but many nights of solid sleep! I can help you manage it all if you need me! Email me directly if you want to jump on a quick call to get acquainted. laura@healthyhappysleep.com I’d love to help you!
Hi, I think my son is completely addicted to nursing. I nursed my older two until they were a year and didn’t have too hard a time stopping. This one just turned a year and nothing seems to distract him when he wants to nurse. He seems to use nursing as a copping mechanism- he gets frustrated when he doesn’t get his way or something goes wrong, pulls his hair and wants to nurse. He is very determined so he will cry for hours when I refuse to nurse him. I really need help. He is at the point that he won’t really eat and wants to nurse all ghe time
My 12 months old is a very stubborn baby. He can cry for an hour if I don’t offer him my breast. Tried to distract him but nothing is working yet. Any other suggestion? Shall I just let him cry until he gets it?
Hi Penny! If you’re ok with crying, that would be the fastest way to resolve this issue. If you go that route, offer VERY BRIEF reminders so that he gets the message quickly that you’re there, but you’re not going to give him what he wants. Alternately, you can decrease the amount of time you’re nursing each time and keep him awake, then put him back down awake and expect him to self soothe, then stop the feeding altogether when you get down to 1-2 min. I hope this is helpful for you!
Hello my baby is 8month+ boy who is completely dependent on nursing to sleep i have tried to sleep train him gently before 6 months and it partially worked he would wake up at 4 am and kicks tell he sleeps .. but at 6 months he got sick so i had to breastfeed him to sleep again .. and he got worse.. my baby is crying his eyes out while I write this coz i dont want to breastfeed him and i have no idea what to do.. 🙁 he literally wakes up ever half an hour to an hour at night .. i feel bad for him .. of course i am sleep diverted too
Hi Shahad! I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this sleep issue. The thing to tackle first is making sure he knows how to put himself to sleep. The way he falls asleep at bedtime will determine how the rest of the night goes! Be sure to separate his last feeding of the day from when you put him into the crib awake by adding a book in between nursing and putting him down. Depending on your threshold for crying, the process of teaching him to self-soothe can be challenging. It will pay off though! You’ll see his nightwakings decrease significantly and it will be easier to determine if he’s waking due to hunger or not. If you’d like me to help you with this just email me! Laura@healthyhappysleep.com I’d love to help!
My baby had really bad acid reflux so I always nursed her a lot but for shorter times. I feed her before and after naps. She is almost 8 month now and I am trying to get her to sleep all night long. I will feed her and she will still be awake but droids so I lay her down in her crib and she goes to sleep just fine. I have tried 1, 1 hour nap in the morning and then a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. I have tried no morning nap and a 2 1/2 -3 hour nap in the afternoon and I always wake her up around 4 and never later than 4:30. I put her to bed around 8:30. And every way I have tried she still continues to wake up at 12,3,and 5. I have tried letting her just cry and she will cry really hard sleep for 2 minutes wake up and continue crying on and off for a very long time. I try rubbing her belly or just walking around with her but she just screams until I final feed her. If anyone has any advise I’d really appreciate it!!
Hi Frustrated Momma! I’ve been in your shoes and it’s so discouraging 🙁 I’m sorry you’re going through this with your little one. At 8 months I agree that she should be sleeping MUCH longer stretches at night. It sounds like she definitely has created a habit of waking and has a strong expectation for feedings at those times. Would I be over-stepping to say she’s a bit strong-willed? First of all, I’m proud of you for all that you’ve tried to do to make things better. Schedule-wise I recommend a morning nap starting at 9am and an afternoon nap starting 3 hours after she wakes from the 1st nap. Bedtime should be 4 hours after she wakes from the afternoon nap. This will mean a much earlier bedtime than what you’re used to, but the later bedtime could very well be part of the issue. Also, make sure you put something else in between when you nurse her and put her into the crib. For example. try feeding her before her bath, or before her bedtime book. It’s very important that the feeding isn’t the last thing she remembers before she falls asleep! She should be WIDE AWAKE when you put her down – not even drowsy. 100% awake!! Expect her to fall asleep on her own and do checks every 15 minutes. Keep your checks short and don’t offer a lot of attention. Don’t give up! Repeat the checks every time she wakes in the night. If you can stay consistent she’ll get it! Be patient because it will feel really hard for 5-7 days. Email me if you need help or want some support through the process. laura@healthyhappysleep.com
My baby is almost 16 months old and I cannot get him off me. He just wants to be on breast. If he spends time at his grandmother’s house, as soon as we get home he goes straight for my blouse. If I give him a bottle, he comes for breast right after. If I feed him food, he comes for breast right after and if I resist he fights and screams.
He sleeps all night with my breast in his mouth. At 16 months I really was not expecting this. I need help, this is my 2nd child. I did not have this issue with my daughter and first child.
I need advice
Hi Sasha! I would love to help you. Email me laura@healthyhappysleep.com and we can set up a quick call to “meet” each other and discuss what you’ve tried, the hardest aspects of what you’re facing, how quickly you want to tackle this, etc. I’ve worked with many, many families who had this same issue! He’s definitely at the age where this will get progressively more difficult to fix as he gets older. It’s time to teach him a new way!
Hi my 6months old daughter only falls asleep on the breast. I’ve tried a dummy she will not except, a toy, a muslin and introduced these often but they do not suffice. I spend every night, trying to sleep train, putting her down dozy but still awake, as soon as she down, she becomes wide awake with frantic legs and arms. I’ve tried the shhhing, hand on tummy, lying next to her (she’s in next to me crib) leave her a few mins but the crying escalates so I pick up and nurse again and the process repeats. If she would sleep through i wouldn’t have such a problem but I loose count of how many times I nurse her back to sleep each night. I’m absolutely exhausted. If hubby tries to console her, she becomes so uncontrollably distressed, she cries more than when she was born it’s just horrific. I was going to move her to her own room and try to feed her slightly earlier like you have advised others, but I literally can’t see her coping without it. Every time I cuddle her she pushing and nuzzles her way down to my breasts, to then not let her becomes impossible as she gets so upset, she is using me as a comforter. I love breastfeeding and am proud of it (breastfed my son for 13months) and want to continue but with a 4.5yrs old to look after also and returning to work at 9months I’m just not sure how I’ll be able to if I cannot get her to sleep or self soothe or be ok with anyone else. Help!
Hi Marmalade! Your daughter’s sleep issues are definitely hard to fix, and the main aspect we need to work on is teaching her to put herself to sleep unassisted. I can help you do this gently! Email me and we can figure out the best plan for your family to get her (and you) sleeping well. Laura@healthyhappysleep.com
Hi there,
My five month old is far too dependant on my breast. Her short naps aren’t satisfying her anymore now that she is rolling both ways. She is teething also so this can also be why she is more tired. I have tried putting her down in her crib when she is tired but she kicks and moans and eventually cries. I’ve tried stroking her nose, shushing, patting, hand on her tummy, singing and she’s fair fighting her sleep. During the night she is actually alright, she sleeps about 10 hour stretches through the night but during the day it is exhausting. Especially when she only sleeps 30 mins and is tired again an hour later so she is on the boob again and it’s not even for hunger
Did you ever have any progress with your daughter? This sounds exactly like my 4.5 month old