Parenting toddlers is not for the faint at heart. It requires patience, creativity and stamina – especially  when it comes to bedtime. All we want as parents is to enjoy the last minutes of the day with our kids – snuggling, reading, laughing and then hopefully close out the evening with the words, “Goodnight Mommy, I love you” echoing down the hall. But what we really get is a game or two of chase, 16 unproductive potty trips, a pajama wrestling match or an ever flowing river of tears.

So, what’s the secret to creating a peaceful bedtime routine with toddlers? Is it even possible to get out of a negative bedtime rut and instill new habits when we ourselves are tired  and cranky at the end of the day? YES!  It is possible and you can do it! I’ve outlined some pointers to guide and encourage you.  Even for toddlers, bedtime can run like a well oiled machine – Here’s how:

1. Time it Right

The importance of timing cannot be underestimated when it comes to a toddler’s bed time. If you wait until it gets too late, the hormone cortisol runs through his little body as if he’d chugged 2 cups of coffee, making it nearly impossible to settle down and fall asleep. The key is to begin the soothing process soon enough so that his body welcomes sleep instead of fights it.  The bedtime hour varies from 6-8pm depending on the quality of the afternoon nap. If he had a short nap (less than 1 hour in duration) or didn’t take a nap at all, a 6-7pm bedtime is your best bet. If he had a nap that lasted longer than 1 hour and he seems well rested, a bedtime between 7-8pm is recommended. Generally, toddlers should be in bed with the lights out around 4 hours after the afternoon nap ended.  This doesn’t mean you should begin dragging him up the stairs at this time, it means you should be leaving his room for the night with the lights off.

2. Give Fair Warning

No matter how much we force this issue and expect immediate compliance, most toddlers are terrible with transitions. They need time to wrap their heads around what’s going on and where they fit into the equation. As parents it’s very important that we respect this and provide ample prep time between activities. If your toddler is playing or working on an art project leading up to bedtime, go to him 5 minutes before the bedtime routine will begin. Get down at eye level (gently touch his arm if that helps him focus) and while he is looking back at you say, “In 5 minutes it’s time to put the toys away/clean up and get ready for bed. I’m setting this timer, and when it beeps I will be back to help you clean up.” Ask him to tell you what will happen when the timer beeps in his own words. Then, when the timer beeps, go immediately and follow through with what you told him would happen. For some toddlers, 5 minutes is too long and you’ll need to repeat the reminder a second time at 2.5 minutes before it beeps.  After the beep sounds a clean up game/song and a race to the toothbrush will come in handy (see tip #4).

3. Follow a Routine

The bedtime routine should be the same every night for a few reasons. First, toddlers are comforted by knowing what will happen next. They’re more relaxed, willing to cooperate, helpful and generally happier when they can mentally prepare themselves for the evening. Second, if a routine is followed correctly there is no room for messing around and procrastinating. Everyone is on the same page which leaves little opportunity for error.  For a child who has a tendency to stray from the routine, create a chart for him to follow throughout the evening. Offer a sticker or high five after each completed task, or promise a tickling extravaganza when everything has been checked off. This is also helpful for the tot who needs one more sip of water (oops! It’s already been checked off!) Or needs to pee just one little drop (Look! You already did that!). Lastly, routines are helpful for parents too. They keep us on track so that even if we’re running behind and have to rush through it, we won’t forget the things that are important to our children. After routines are in place, we don’t even have to think about what we’re doing if we’re exhausted from the events of the day. Sometimes flying on autopilot is better for everyone!

4. Toddler Parent Preference: Mix it Up

Don’t take it personally if your toddler pitches a fit for one parent at bedtime and prefers one over the other. This is simply a control issue and giving in will only cause more problems down the road. Do yourself a favor and take away the option. Whichever parent is putting him to bed follows through, regardless of the demands of the child. Something that makes this less of a power struggle is for each parent to include something special into the bedtime routine that is unique to their “turn”. A thumb wrestling match with Dad, for example, or a silly personalized song with Mom. If the child has something special to look forward to and anticipate with each parent, he won’t want to miss out on that bonding time, no matter who tucks him in.

5. Let the Games Begin

It’s amazing how easily things move along when we make it fun for our toddlers to comply! Yes, at times we want them to do what we tell them to do simply because we are their parents, but I believe power struggles can be alleviated many times just by enticing them with a simple game to get the job done. For example, when it’s time to brush teeth, instead of holding him down and brushing ferociously until his teeth are clean, sing a song to take his mind off of it. The one we sing is (to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat) “Brush, brush, brush your teeth, brush them everyday! Brushing, brushing, brushing, brushing, scare the plaque away…Boo!” And at the end I say the “Boo!” really loud and crazy so they smile real big, which allows me to brush the teeth in the front. Because of this simple song, our two toddlers (20 months and 3 yrs.) look forward to brushing their teeth (most nights).

A game we play at bedtime with our 3 year old to get him physically into bed without bribery, or the need to pick him up and put him there ourselves, has worked wonders for over a year now. For awhile we struggled with him running around like a lunatic or pitching a fit on the floor instead of climbing nicely into his bed. I can’t even remember the last time we had issues with this now that we play this silly game of hide and seek. It really is so basic I can’t believe he falls for it and goes along with it night after night! I cover my eyes and count to ten while he climbs into bed and “hides” under his blankets. After I finish counting, I spend about 1 minute searching his room while saying things like, “Is he under the bed? No… Is he in the closet? (I open and close the closet door) No… Is he in the dresser? No… Is he up in brother’s bed? No…” and so on, until I pounce on him and tickle him. It works like a charm.

To get his pajamas on, I sit on the floor at one end of the room and he stands at the other end. While I hold his shirt poised and ready he sprints over to me and dives into his shirt, then does the same for his pants. Seriously, these games are silly and don’t add any time onto the routine – but the kicker is we both end up laughing and having a good time instead of the latter, which would be me impatiently saying, “Get your underwear on, hurry up! No, other leg, argh…stop rolling around and get dressed!”  Many times we think it’s too much work to think of fun ways to do things, but toddlers think everything is funny and are willing to try even the most lame attempts at mixing it up. Go for it!

6. Attitude is Everything

Where bedtime and toddlers are concerned, your ability to maintain a positive attitude while remaining consistent will make or break an evening. Kids are not robots. They will do at least one thing each night that will make you frustrated, so be ready for it! If you know it’s coming, you’ll be able to handle your emotions so much better because you won’t be caught off guard.

Try to focus on keeping your voice from changing and your movements controlled no matter what. Your child(ren) will be surprised to learn that regardless of what they do, they can’t rattle you or change your mind. At our house, if our 3 year old won’t lay on his pillow nicely for his song and prayer, I sing and pray anyway without him next to me and then I kindly say, “Goodnight sweetie! I love you and I’ll see you in the morning! Maybe tomorrow night you’ll choose to enjoy your song and prayer.” You bet your butt that the next night he’ll have his head on the pillow where it needs to be so that he can get his snuggles!

When we beg and plead and bribe our kids to do things, it just shows them that they have the control and we have to get their permission to complete the task at hand. If your child refuses to get in his cozy bed and creates drama every night right before you leave the room, don’t fret! He’ll be perfectly fine on the floor, and if you tell him that in a calm, non-threatening way, he’ll come to the conclusion that the only good choice he has is to get into bed where it’s comfortable, or remain headstrong and sleep on the cold floor. Your confidence and consistency will pay off!  Be prepared for misbehavior so that you can stick to the plan all the while preserving a positive attitude.

I hope this has been helpful for you! If there is something you do to help bedtime run smoothly with your toddler, please share!